As I was wrapping today I had the T.V. on and I could not help but notice that the diet commercials started. This was a major coincidence because today ended up being my 20% day. As I attempted to enjoy my 20% day I wondered to myself why it was so hard for me to do so. Is my relationship with food that is deranged? Is it some sort of eating disorder? No! It is simply that I have been on diets far too long and they have done a number on my way of thinking...in a very negative way! Let's take Jenny Craig for example. That was the one I was on the longest. You get a menu and a certain amount of calories, then you have to weigh in once a week. In my case if I did not stick to those calories I would gain weight. So, I would get really, really down on myself when I would go off the menu. When I say I went off the menu I do not mean I went particularly crazy, I mean that life happened. However, because I was on so few calories anytime I went off the menu I gained weight.
Skip forward to this journey. Now here I am trying to live my life with the concept of 80% and 20% and I took today as a 20%. I had whole wheat crackers, cheese, turkey, cheese, whole wheat bread, and some tiny tiny cookies (all together sounds like a lot, but I did not feel bad about it ... at first...I felt like I had done a good job with this... it also took the place of a meal and two snacks, so I was not doubling up on meal calories or anything...it was all spread out). However, when I let myself really think about it I get down on myself, so sure that I have ruined everything because I have not stuck exactly to the plan. This is what diets do to you. They set you up to FAIL so that when you go out into the real world and attempt a plan/ journey like this it takes forever to rework your thought process.
Another concept plaguing me at this moment is that weigh in was today. I hate being a women for this very reason...I gained 3 pounds. Now, I know I had 2 episode...LAST WEEKEND! But that should not account for a 3 pound increase! I understand that I fluctuate just like every other woman out there, but it can be really frustrating. I never want to be in the 200's again and I am really close.
So, I am thinking that I will not have another 20% day until I am far enough away from the 200's that I can be very comfortable. However, is that the smart thing to do? Or is that going back into the diet mentality? I don't know.
One thing I do know is I can't wait for the Christmas food to be out of the house!
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