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Monday, January 31, 2011

Let me start with a confession...

Okay so there is a lot that I want to share with you tonight, but first let me start with some confessions. I have been really awesome with my working out...I have even been running more and more! However, in the last three or so days I have been having a few too many 20% moments...not days but moments. I have to say though that the biggest thing about this though is that I don't feel like the world is ending. I know eating that way is not healthy, but I also know that I will not gain back ALL my weight in just those few little episodes, which is a HUGE improvement for me.

Now, onto the other stuff. Once again I was reading my Purpose Driven Life e-mail and I though this quote was perfect! "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." It is the perfect quote for the journey that we are all on. We cannot do this alone, we cannot even do this with just Fawn by our side! I mean she is great, but we need something more! We need a higher power. I know personally I have never been as successful as I am now and I attribute it to me putting all my heart, soul and faith into God. When He gives me strength I truly can move mountains! I can't wait to move my next mountain!

Friday, January 28, 2011

OFFICIALLY 30 POUNDS!!!

Yep it's true I may not have been blogging, but I have still been sticking to my eating plan, working out and getting enough sleep! This week I only lost half a pound but it was enough to get me to 30 POUNDS!!!!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!! Oh ya super excited!

Anyway...I am way excited! I feel great! I have a ton of energy and I am just all around in a much better mood.

"When you plant seeds of peace you reap a harvest of goodness, which means you will reach your goals because God is going to bless your life." This is a quote from my Purpose Driven Life e-mail that I get everyday and I wanted to share it with you. I feel as though I have been spending my life planting seeds, but it was not until recently that these seeds have been truly good seeds. I am finally reaping the benefits of this...the benefits that God wants me to gain. This does not just mean physical weight loss, but confidence and new friends and a whole new life full of experiences and also a whole new glorious relationship with God on many different levels. It's wonderful. I highly recommend it!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Sorry I have been MIA!!!

Hi everyone!!! I know that I have been missing in action. I am sorry about that. I promise that it has had nothing to do with not being on the program or not exercising. Actually, quite the opposite! I have been doing great! I have been working out six days a week and finally feeling like I can eat healthy off the menu that Fawn had provided. I have even been creating some of my own meals!!!

Also, I feel like a shift is taking place inside of me. I dont know what it is I don't know where it will lead me, but it's a change and it's great!! By the way at my week 13 weigh in I had lost 29.5 pounds.

I will try and be better about blogging.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Results of weigh in

Hi everyone!

Well today was weigh in for week 12 and before I give you the results let me just recap. When I began this journey I was 221.5 pounds my self esteem sucked and I was sure I was destined to live my life a fat cow.

Today, is weigh in for week 12 and I told myself that no matter what the scale said it was ok because I have come so far. I have better self esteem, I am more confident, and I have hope now. Okay I will tell you... Today I weigh 193.5 for a total weight loss of 28 pounds!!!!!!!!! I know I am kinda excited!!!!!!! And there is more to come stick with me!!!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Message coming in loud and clear!!!

Friends I just have to tell you everything I have read this week, everything I have listened to this week and every person I have talked to this week has given me the same message! I believe that this is a message from God himself and he is just saying "Lauren I am do tired of you not listening I am going to make it impossible for you to miss!".

The messages that have been so impossible for me to miss are: "focus on Me not on the problem at hand." In this case God is saying focus on Him and stop focusing on all the negatives about myself. I was made by him, he created me, every little part of me so I am doing Him a disservice by disliking parts of myself.

Message two: "I have a plan for you, Lauren. It is in the waiting that is the hardest and you will see the greatest gifts I have to give, but give Me time, I will provide for you. Here is the deal we don't like to wait for anything. However, this week I have really been hearing God telling me that it will be ok. I need to spend some time in this season by myself with Him. That means waiting. The hardest part is waiting and thats even worse then the "no" sometimes. When He is ready He will provide and change my season.

Monday, January 10, 2011

First day back at work

Hi all!!

Well today was my first day back at work after 3 weeks. It was great to be on break, but it was difficult because my day was not as structured as usual. I thrive on structure. Anyway, today started my first day back to getting up at 5 am to workout eating very clean ALL day and it was just fantastic all together!

The one difficulty that I have been having is that I have been having some pushback from negative thoughts, which I don't like. I know that I will get through it, it is just a matter of prayer and time.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I am gonna make this quick...

Hi y'all...listen to me clearly too much time with Fawn!!!


Anyway! I am super tired so I am gonna make this quick. I had a great day today! I had a very "clean" eating day and I had a great day exercise wise. Tomorrow I am up bright and early for a hike. Wish me luck because my first hike was very, very difficult and this time I am going without Zac and Fawn. I know it will be great!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Have I been working as hard as I could be?

This is my biggest question that I struggle with. I put my all in my job, I give my all to my family, friends and God, but have I been giving this journey my all and my best? The truth is I think in the beginning I was in this 110%, but I worry that now that I am under 200 I am backing off a bit. I am not doing it on purpose, but I am finding it a little more difficult to get back on the way I want to be. Please take this with a grain of salt because I am my
own worst critic!! What looks like perfection to the rest of the world I can find room for improvement.

Here is what I say tomorrow is a new day and it will prove to be a new start. I can't dwell on what wasn't perfect, I can only look and plan for tomorrow.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I am what I am.

CONFESSION:
Some days it is more difficult then others to eat and live a "clean life." Today for example, I might have had a few more noodles in my pasta and an extra slice of bread then I wanted to. I also had a cookie. It was my intention to go this entire week eating only "clean" food. What I mean by that is to have clean eating habits all week long. Now, is my week over and should I throw the rest of it away...NO...THE DAY IS NOT EVEN GONE!
I am discovering that I am the kind of person who is on certain days more hungry then on other days. On the majority of my days (95%) of my days I am okay, I can eat three meals a day, and eat three snacks a day and be fine. However, there is the 5% of the time where I am just really hungry. That is okay. What needs to be different is what I eat in that time. Everything I ate today was fine, except the cookie. I should not have eaten the cookie, but I did and next time I will pick an apple.

REALIZATIONS:
I think what I find most difficult so often is that when I read magazines I see models and I automatically think that that is what I am supposed to look like, but it's not. What idiot decided that frail thin, pale, angry looking woman is what makes a woman beautiful? I am supposed to look like me. I don't know yet what that is supposed to look like. It might look like me right now at 198 and that's okay because I am learning to be okay with that, but I don't think it is. I think it is me much lower then 198. Whatever number I am supposed to end up at and I am supposed to look like I am going to be okay with it because it's me and it's the body that God intended for me to live in. So, whatever it is will be amazing. I mean look at my life up until now, it has been fantastic and I have not even been fully living it. For right now I just have to let go of the past, let go of trying to be in control of creating my future (that's God's job), and let go of making myself feel bad and just live and be in this moment and be comfortable with what I am. I am what I am and no one can or should make me feel any differently about that.

New Year, New Me, New Years Resolution?!?

I am so excited to tell you that this is the very first year in all of my 26 years of life that I am NOT making a new years resolution. In the past, ALL of my new years resolutions have had to do with loosing weight, getting healthy, sticking to my diet, going to the gym, etc, etc. Well, clearly I have never followed through on any of those, which is why I was led to this point.

I am finally at a point in my life where I can say that I am comfortable enough with where I am that I don't have to say "okay new year, new slate." I know that I am on a good path, I know that I am on a path that will be lasting for me so there is no need to make a resolution because really (in my opinion) resolutions don't last.

In October I chose to make a life change. That is what I am going to stick to and that is what I am going to stick with. The rest I have to LET GO OF!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"Focus on God and the Jorney"

...Or it was something like that but you get the point. Well today was one of my lower points. Not eating wise, not working out wise, but emotionally. Please don't misunderstand, I am not an emotionally unstable person. As a daughter of a psychologist I am actually one of the more emotionally stable people you might ever meet (years of therapy and really digging into who I am as a person). However, today was an interesting day and one I have never gotten to in all of my years in therapy.

I have really been struggling with where I am in life. I am at a point in my life where all of my friends are married and some even have kids. Here I stand single. Yes, it is true I have been blessed in many other ways. This past year I was able to buy a house, seven years ago I survived two brain surgeries. I have a job when like 10% of the population doesn't. So, true I am blessed, but I am missing that one part, that thing that we all want, a partner in life, someone who makes my heart beat faster then it does at any other time.

So, I went to see Fawn today, like normal. We sat down to chat and let me tell you she is the best advice giver there is. Over the years I have spent I don't know how much on therapists, but she just laid it flat out for me. "Spend your time focusing on God and this journey, working on yourself and the rest will follow." It was exactly what I needed to hear, possibly not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed. I had gotten myself so wrapped up in the future, thinking about whats to come and will he ever come that I had lost sight of what I was supposed to be focused on. Her words refocused me. She equated life to stepping stones in life. Sometimes we get so focused on the end, what we want that we forget to enjoy each stepping stone along the way. Those stepping stones are big deals! How we get to that end in a huge deal and each one has a lot to do with making up apart of who we are and what we become later in life. For example, who I was a year ago is a completely different person then who I am now. Now I am more understanding, I don't explode and loose my temper like I used to, I have met Fawn and I am on this WONDERFUL journey, I had not yet joined Mosaic and I have lost 25.5 pounds. I am more self confident, I am more willing to step out of my comfort zone, life is GREAT!

Now, let us let ourselves imagine for a second that I had found "him" a year ago before I had become the person I am today. I would not be good in any relationship. The person I am today is better then the person I was a year ago and the person I will be in a month or two will be better then the person I am right now. I just have to let this journey and God take its course and be okay with that. I need to focus on this stepping stone right now and LET GO OF THE REST.