Obedience to God

Obedience to God is an interesting thought. I think for most of us we assume that if we go to church we are being obedient, if we read the bible we are being obedient, if we pray we are being obedient. I am pretty certain that we do not think that if we eat right then we are being obedient.

I had a realization last night and that was that eating right and healthy is being obedient to God. Here is the deal. I have an addition to food and when you have an addiction to food it can consume your life. Anytime I allow something to consume my life that isn't God I am not being obedient. Therefore, in my life obedience to God means eating healthy.

What are you waiting for?

Tonight someone posed an interesting question (granted it had nothing to do with my situation, but it does apply). The question was "What are you waiting for?" This has been my life of the last several months. I have been waiting for something. I have been waiting for Monday before I get back to the journey. I have been waiting for Mr. Right to come along before I really start taking the journey seriously. I have been waiting for Fawn to come back and kick my butt or someone else to tell me that I look like I have been gaining wait. I have been waiting until I get back from vacation. You get the picture? I have been waiting, but why have I been waiting? All I am really guaranteed is today, this moment, this breath.

I can remember a time when I was really happy. I was really happy with the way I looked, the way I felt and the way my clothes felt. That ended in about April!!! It also happens to be about the time that I stopped really working the journey. I have been trying to get back up but for some reason I have been finding myself struggling. The bottom line is I just need to stop waiting for tomorrow, a miracle or something better to come along and do it. This is it. This is my chance. This is the prayer that has been answered so now it is my chance to act on it. So, what am I waiting for? Nothing anymore!

On my way to Hawaii

I'm on my way to Hawaii and to stay on track, Fawn has me journaling my food.

Monday
Monday is a flying day. Flying days are always a little strange with eating as it. I woke up late and was running late so I couldn't make myself breakfast at home. I get nervous when I fly so I just eat when I am hungry. The real downside to this is I am very hungry when I get off the plane. I know today was not a great eating day, but I am grateful that I have the ability to make wise choices and I am very grateful that I got to take a 15 minute walk.
Blueberry muffin
Water
1/2 apple
1/2 large bag of trail mix
Water
1/2 a turkey sandwich on whole wheat with avocado
1/4 cup of pasta premavera
Water
1/2 a bag if Maui chips
4 bites of brothers meat sandwich
Water
Handful of chips
Turkey burger with cheese(no avocado option) and water
Frozen Yogurt 1 scoop
Water and a slice of pineapple

Tomorrow will be better!

I have been basically sucking...

Hi! So, basically in short I have been sucking at this. Even though I always blog that OK this time its going to be different blah blah blah!!! It isn't. However, last week I had this real awesome conversation with my mother and she kind of put things in perspective. So, this time I'm not gonna say "I am going to be perfect for the rest of the month" or whatever. This time I'm going to say that I am going to say that I feel like I am back on track and things are looking up.

It's hard to admit it...

It is hard to admit when you mess up. It is hard to admit when you make a mistake. But what is even harder is to admit that you have been making those same mistakes over and over again for the last couple of weeks!! I have. I admit it. I have even gained some weight back... Officially I have gained five pounds back. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but the toll it takes on me emotionally and physically is tremendous. Last weekend in a conversation with Fawn she explained to me that this is a journey as is life and with every journey one will falter. There will be difficulties but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get right back to it! Well, I can't say this last week has gone quite that well but it has gone much better then the other few weeks. I am making wiser decisions. However, what I realized is that what I think I need to do for a little while is just get back to the very basics of my menu. Eat only what's on the menu. That's what I'm doing for the rest of May!

Trying new things!

Okay so this has been a very stressful week...even though I am on spring break! For years I have been wanting to try yoga, but to be honest the people who do yoga seem so intense and serious about it I was afraid of embarrassing myself. Then God blessed me with a friend named Tiffany Wilson. I took her yoga class on Tuesday and it was AMAZING!! She is so wonderful! She has such a gift for teaching yoga. I was not even scared to go into the class. She was kind enough to meet me before the class, walk with me into the class and get me all set up. She was motivating and encouraging and REALLY KNEW HER STUFF! I am so excited that I now feel that I can go into a yoga class and do it on my own...Although I would prefer to continue to take her class...she makes it fun! Tiffany really gave me a lot of courage for a new activity that will help me with my stress and anxiety!

"Every Journey Has Road Blocks"

Hi Friends,

Ok so here is the deal. If I got on here every time and told you the good news you would get sick of hearing from me pretty quickly. The deal is 90% of my journey is good news and great things! However, every journey has road blocks and this week I ran into two.

First road block was the weekend! I am not gonna lie, I am gonna be straight up honest with all of you. I ate bad foods! It was disgusting. I was disgusted at myself and disappointed in myself. However, there is a light in all of this. I did not eat them because I craved them or because I had to have them...NO I ate them because I was living my life and sometimes in my life there is going to be a weekend where I go to a BBQ and then go to a party where all they have is pizza and I don't plan for that. It happens that is why it's called life! I will be okay I just have to work it off at the gym, not get down on myself and know that nothing can stop me ... I mean look how far I have come.

Second road block. I know I am ashamed to say it ... A guy!!! Wait read on and see how I handled it...you will be stunned!! Ok so let me protect this guy a little bit and give him a fake name, we will call him "Joe." "Joe" is a guy that I met. He asked me out and I thought it was a date (as did everyone else I spoke to about it). Then there was a second request, which was canceled. Anyway, during this whole process I realized that "Joe" was not dating me he was just going out with me to be friends, which was fine. However, the way that he was portraying and acting prior to all of this was VERY misleading!!! He hurt me. I spent a week or two getting past this and realizing this was NOT about me!!! Okay so here is the road block... then he asked me out again!!!!! Hello is that a test from God or what!??!?! I told him to call later so I could check my schedule. The truth is he took me so off guard that I did not know what to say. I know that if he calls I will have to tell him no. He is not good for me in the relationship sense. We can be friends but nothing else.

Getting past these road blocks that God presents us with are difficult, but it is what makes us stronger and people and more prepared for relationships further down the road.

Making descisions that are good for me.

Ok so here is the hardest part of this journey now. The food can get hard sometimes, the gym can get hard sometimes, but I get back up and I'm right back on the horse. The hardest part for me now is doing what is best for me. I have always been a people pleaser. Now I have to make descisions that are best for me. That sometimes means not staying at work until 5:00 so I can get a workout in, getting to bed early, not doing A so I can do B. Hanging out with this group of people instead of that group of people because they make me thrive instead of bring me down. Sometimes when you choose to do the best thing for yourself others will not understand, but I know that I have to stay strong to the fact that it is for me and not everyone else. In the long run it's really only me and God and no one else matters.

I'm Back...

Hi everyone!! So as you can see my blogging has kind of been MIA. The thing is I feel like I have been given this whole new life. I am officially down 33.3 pounds and still going and it feels great. Not only do I feel great, but I have more energy and I am so much more confident and social then I ever was before. This would be the very reason my blogging has been lacking...I am never home anymore!!! I have been hiking, out with friends, at church, working out, whatever it maybe, but not at home. So I just wanted to explain where I have been and say I will do my best in the future!!!

First day being on my own...

So Fawn left today. I started my day knowing that Fawn was leaving at 8:55 and I didn't know how I was going to feel. I was sad that she was going to leave, but then at 10:00 when I looked at the clock and realized she was gone I felt an unbelievable sadness and fear. I realized that all of a sudden in an instant I was alone. I now had to do this on my own. There was no Fawn who I was going to see later that day to tell me if it looked like I had gained weight or not. There was no Fawn there to confess to if I ate something I shouldn't have.

Now please don't get me wrong. Fawn and I are not done. We will continue working just in a different way and that different way is going to take a little getting used to. This is going to mean that I am going to start having to hold myself more accountable. This journey has always been for me, but I think for awhile I allowed myself to get very comfortable with Fawn here because I knew she would not let me get away with anything so I was not watching myself as closely because I knew Fawn was. Now, I have to watch myself like crazy.

being ready and then BEING READY!

Fawn wrote to all of us bloggers today and thanked us for all that we have been doing. She also reminded us of what we should be doing on our journey. She reminded us that "with God anything is possible." It is very true because without God's grace and presents and love all of THIS would never have been possible.

Prior to starting the journey there were so many things that I swore I was ready for. I could list them off without any hesitation. However, now that I can sit here and say I am 32 pounds into this, a whole lot different mentally, emotionally, and physically I can tell you that had those things happened there is no way I would have been ready for them!!! Not a chance!!! I needed to grow and do some searching. I'm not done growing (no one ever is), but I do feel like I am ready for anything God wants to give me. I have grown so much in fact that I can sit here and tell you that even if He doesn't want to give me some of the things I want the most then I will be okay because it is what He is giving me. Which leads me back to "with God anything is possible." It is that quote that keeps me warm at night and it is that quote that reminds me that it is not just myself, and not just Fawn that have gotten me to this point in the journey. God has made this possible and God knows my heart and sees the deepest parts of it and I have every confidence that He will make every dream come true in it's own time. I feel like great things are just around the corner and now I can say I am READY.

Too much food!

Hi Bloggers,

Wow, I was on a roll, working out, eating clean. Today, I don't know what happened... I was clean all day then tonight it was over. Now look... I can tell you that I have come a long way because I am not sitting here dwelling in it, but I do know that I should have used some more self control. Life is not always going to be neat and clean in any sense. It's important to know that I can puck myself back up when I fall down and I know I can, I've done it before... This will not get the best if me! Never let anything get the best of you, tomorrow is a new day!

How do I do this again!?

So there has been this whole I'm on a journey thing. I'm on a journey to better myself. I have been successful etc. etc. etc. However, now that I am confident and all I have been starting to date and flirt and enjoying myself, but how does it work... not the flirting and dating...that part I know how to do ;) I mean how do I make it work and still have the time to workout, eat right and take care of myself! I know what has to be number 1...of course it has to be God and then the journey, but it is still a little difficult. Living life and continuing to live life can be a little complicated when you throw dating and the journey into the mix.

Sad goodbyes and New beginnings

Hi readers,

I am sure all of you know by now that Fawn and Zac are leaving California for a FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY in Greenbay. WAY TO GO!!! However, this does leave some of us in California without our Fawn ;(.

Fawn was kind enough to call and inform me on Saturday that the decision had been made and let me tell you that I did not take the news all that well. I am scared. I will be flat out honest with you. I am TERRIFIED. Fawn and I have seen each other almost everyday through this whole thing and I am not sure that I will be able to do it without her. Will she still be my coach? OF COURSE! We will talk over the phone, e-mail and however else we can do it! But I am scared. I know exactly how I felt when she called and told me and my first inclination (after crying) was to eat...I didn't.

Fawn has been such a rock and mentor and every time I think about her leaving my eyes fill up with tears. I am sad because my best friend is moving, I am scared because now I have to stand on my own two feet and do this by myself, I am scared because I am not sure what standing alone is going to look like, but when the crying is done I realize that God put Fawn in my life to perform what I can only describe to all of you as an absolute miracle. She believed in me when every doctor I had seen had given up hope. She believed in me and taught be how to believe in myself again. Now, God sees it fit to take her someplace else to do the very same thing with other people. No matter where she goes she will bring light and no matter where she goes I will continue to make progress because she has instilled in me the tools I need to be successful. I see myself making healthier decisions just because that is how I eat now, that is what I LIKE now something I would have never done before I met Fawn.

I can do this, I will do this and when I go to visit Fawn and Zac (because oh yes that is happening...get ready for the house guest you two!!) they will get to see that I have continued on this journey not without them, but with their tools and their voices reminding me how to do this. They just need to go and make seismic shifts in other people's lives now.

Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest...

I was on a roll. I was doing well. What happened? I don't know. I could blame it on stress. I could blame it on work. I could blame it on a lot of things. I could even blame it on myself. However, I have been working really hard at not being too hard on myself because sometimes in life for all of us making the best decisions in life are the hardest ones to make. It might be as simple as making the decision to get up in the morning to go to the gym...that's a hard decision to make. It might be as difficult as putting down the bottle and not drinking anymore...that's a hard decision to make. For me, today, it was not eating the cake that was being served at a super bowl party...and you know I did it. However, when I went to the next party there was ice cream and I ate that.

If I don't loose another pound, if I even gain weight from here on out I have at least learned a very valuable lesson. God has a plan for me. Somehow this journey is in His plan... and for me He has great things. Right now I just have to learn how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable, and I have to learn to trust in Him. If we do recall He did promise us great things. I have to have trust in that. I have to run with that and know that He will never let me fall or falter unless it is to allow me to learn a lesson.

Why am I doing this again?

In the day to day grind that everyone goes through it is so easy to forget why we are on this journey...not just this journey of transformation, but this journey of life.

This past week has been one of ups and downs for me. I had a few too many 20% episodes and when I saw Fawn (like always I confessed). Fawn put be back on the straight path right where I needed to be. Fawn took me through an intense workout and I left her feeling GREAT I was back and ready to go. I was going to focus on my food and continue with my workouts like I had been doing.

The next morning I woke up for my morning jog/walk with my Dad. Half way through I fell and I fell hard! I scraped myself up pretty bad and I sprained my ankle. This was BAD news. This meant no workouts for a while and definitely no intense workouts for awhile.

This brings be to today. Fawn suggested I go back and look at my old videos to help me see how far I have come and to help remind me that it will not all be undone in a matter of a few days. While I was looking at the old videos I was reminded of why I am doing this. I took a pledge (given to me by Fawn) to focus on myself. The two most important things in this life right now are God (this will always be the case) and myself. I need to stop worrying about work, stop worrying about my class, stop worrying about whatever boy or what not and worry about my relationship with God and myself. I need to get back to that focus to where I was then. That is the healthiest thing for me right now.

Everything else just falls into place

Thoughts on The Journey

Hiking Topanga!

Let me start with a confession...

Okay so there is a lot that I want to share with you tonight, but first let me start with some confessions. I have been really awesome with my working out...I have even been running more and more! However, in the last three or so days I have been having a few too many 20% moments...not days but moments. I have to say though that the biggest thing about this though is that I don't feel like the world is ending. I know eating that way is not healthy, but I also know that I will not gain back ALL my weight in just those few little episodes, which is a HUGE improvement for me.

Now, onto the other stuff. Once again I was reading my Purpose Driven Life e-mail and I though this quote was perfect! "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." It is the perfect quote for the journey that we are all on. We cannot do this alone, we cannot even do this with just Fawn by our side! I mean she is great, but we need something more! We need a higher power. I know personally I have never been as successful as I am now and I attribute it to me putting all my heart, soul and faith into God. When He gives me strength I truly can move mountains! I can't wait to move my next mountain!

OFFICIALLY 30 POUNDS!!!

Yep it's true I may not have been blogging, but I have still been sticking to my eating plan, working out and getting enough sleep! This week I only lost half a pound but it was enough to get me to 30 POUNDS!!!!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!! Oh ya super excited!

Anyway...I am way excited! I feel great! I have a ton of energy and I am just all around in a much better mood.

"When you plant seeds of peace you reap a harvest of goodness, which means you will reach your goals because God is going to bless your life." This is a quote from my Purpose Driven Life e-mail that I get everyday and I wanted to share it with you. I feel as though I have been spending my life planting seeds, but it was not until recently that these seeds have been truly good seeds. I am finally reaping the benefits of this...the benefits that God wants me to gain. This does not just mean physical weight loss, but confidence and new friends and a whole new life full of experiences and also a whole new glorious relationship with God on many different levels. It's wonderful. I highly recommend it!

Sorry I have been MIA!!!

Hi everyone!!! I know that I have been missing in action. I am sorry about that. I promise that it has had nothing to do with not being on the program or not exercising. Actually, quite the opposite! I have been doing great! I have been working out six days a week and finally feeling like I can eat healthy off the menu that Fawn had provided. I have even been creating some of my own meals!!!

Also, I feel like a shift is taking place inside of me. I dont know what it is I don't know where it will lead me, but it's a change and it's great!! By the way at my week 13 weigh in I had lost 29.5 pounds.

I will try and be better about blogging.

Results of weigh in

Hi everyone!

Well today was weigh in for week 12 and before I give you the results let me just recap. When I began this journey I was 221.5 pounds my self esteem sucked and I was sure I was destined to live my life a fat cow.

Today, is weigh in for week 12 and I told myself that no matter what the scale said it was ok because I have come so far. I have better self esteem, I am more confident, and I have hope now. Okay I will tell you... Today I weigh 193.5 for a total weight loss of 28 pounds!!!!!!!!! I know I am kinda excited!!!!!!! And there is more to come stick with me!!!!

Message coming in loud and clear!!!

Friends I just have to tell you everything I have read this week, everything I have listened to this week and every person I have talked to this week has given me the same message! I believe that this is a message from God himself and he is just saying "Lauren I am do tired of you not listening I am going to make it impossible for you to miss!".

The messages that have been so impossible for me to miss are: "focus on Me not on the problem at hand." In this case God is saying focus on Him and stop focusing on all the negatives about myself. I was made by him, he created me, every little part of me so I am doing Him a disservice by disliking parts of myself.

Message two: "I have a plan for you, Lauren. It is in the waiting that is the hardest and you will see the greatest gifts I have to give, but give Me time, I will provide for you. Here is the deal we don't like to wait for anything. However, this week I have really been hearing God telling me that it will be ok. I need to spend some time in this season by myself with Him. That means waiting. The hardest part is waiting and thats even worse then the "no" sometimes. When He is ready He will provide and change my season.

First day back at work

Hi all!!

Well today was my first day back at work after 3 weeks. It was great to be on break, but it was difficult because my day was not as structured as usual. I thrive on structure. Anyway, today started my first day back to getting up at 5 am to workout eating very clean ALL day and it was just fantastic all together!

The one difficulty that I have been having is that I have been having some pushback from negative thoughts, which I don't like. I know that I will get through it, it is just a matter of prayer and time.

I am gonna make this quick...

Hi y'all...listen to me clearly too much time with Fawn!!!


Anyway! I am super tired so I am gonna make this quick. I had a great day today! I had a very "clean" eating day and I had a great day exercise wise. Tomorrow I am up bright and early for a hike. Wish me luck because my first hike was very, very difficult and this time I am going without Zac and Fawn. I know it will be great!

Have I been working as hard as I could be?

This is my biggest question that I struggle with. I put my all in my job, I give my all to my family, friends and God, but have I been giving this journey my all and my best? The truth is I think in the beginning I was in this 110%, but I worry that now that I am under 200 I am backing off a bit. I am not doing it on purpose, but I am finding it a little more difficult to get back on the way I want to be. Please take this with a grain of salt because I am my
own worst critic!! What looks like perfection to the rest of the world I can find room for improvement.

Here is what I say tomorrow is a new day and it will prove to be a new start. I can't dwell on what wasn't perfect, I can only look and plan for tomorrow.

I am what I am.

CONFESSION:
Some days it is more difficult then others to eat and live a "clean life." Today for example, I might have had a few more noodles in my pasta and an extra slice of bread then I wanted to. I also had a cookie. It was my intention to go this entire week eating only "clean" food. What I mean by that is to have clean eating habits all week long. Now, is my week over and should I throw the rest of it away...NO...THE DAY IS NOT EVEN GONE!
I am discovering that I am the kind of person who is on certain days more hungry then on other days. On the majority of my days (95%) of my days I am okay, I can eat three meals a day, and eat three snacks a day and be fine. However, there is the 5% of the time where I am just really hungry. That is okay. What needs to be different is what I eat in that time. Everything I ate today was fine, except the cookie. I should not have eaten the cookie, but I did and next time I will pick an apple.

REALIZATIONS:
I think what I find most difficult so often is that when I read magazines I see models and I automatically think that that is what I am supposed to look like, but it's not. What idiot decided that frail thin, pale, angry looking woman is what makes a woman beautiful? I am supposed to look like me. I don't know yet what that is supposed to look like. It might look like me right now at 198 and that's okay because I am learning to be okay with that, but I don't think it is. I think it is me much lower then 198. Whatever number I am supposed to end up at and I am supposed to look like I am going to be okay with it because it's me and it's the body that God intended for me to live in. So, whatever it is will be amazing. I mean look at my life up until now, it has been fantastic and I have not even been fully living it. For right now I just have to let go of the past, let go of trying to be in control of creating my future (that's God's job), and let go of making myself feel bad and just live and be in this moment and be comfortable with what I am. I am what I am and no one can or should make me feel any differently about that.

New Year, New Me, New Years Resolution?!?

I am so excited to tell you that this is the very first year in all of my 26 years of life that I am NOT making a new years resolution. In the past, ALL of my new years resolutions have had to do with loosing weight, getting healthy, sticking to my diet, going to the gym, etc, etc. Well, clearly I have never followed through on any of those, which is why I was led to this point.

I am finally at a point in my life where I can say that I am comfortable enough with where I am that I don't have to say "okay new year, new slate." I know that I am on a good path, I know that I am on a path that will be lasting for me so there is no need to make a resolution because really (in my opinion) resolutions don't last.

In October I chose to make a life change. That is what I am going to stick to and that is what I am going to stick with. The rest I have to LET GO OF!

"Focus on God and the Jorney"

...Or it was something like that but you get the point. Well today was one of my lower points. Not eating wise, not working out wise, but emotionally. Please don't misunderstand, I am not an emotionally unstable person. As a daughter of a psychologist I am actually one of the more emotionally stable people you might ever meet (years of therapy and really digging into who I am as a person). However, today was an interesting day and one I have never gotten to in all of my years in therapy.

I have really been struggling with where I am in life. I am at a point in my life where all of my friends are married and some even have kids. Here I stand single. Yes, it is true I have been blessed in many other ways. This past year I was able to buy a house, seven years ago I survived two brain surgeries. I have a job when like 10% of the population doesn't. So, true I am blessed, but I am missing that one part, that thing that we all want, a partner in life, someone who makes my heart beat faster then it does at any other time.

So, I went to see Fawn today, like normal. We sat down to chat and let me tell you she is the best advice giver there is. Over the years I have spent I don't know how much on therapists, but she just laid it flat out for me. "Spend your time focusing on God and this journey, working on yourself and the rest will follow." It was exactly what I needed to hear, possibly not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed. I had gotten myself so wrapped up in the future, thinking about whats to come and will he ever come that I had lost sight of what I was supposed to be focused on. Her words refocused me. She equated life to stepping stones in life. Sometimes we get so focused on the end, what we want that we forget to enjoy each stepping stone along the way. Those stepping stones are big deals! How we get to that end in a huge deal and each one has a lot to do with making up apart of who we are and what we become later in life. For example, who I was a year ago is a completely different person then who I am now. Now I am more understanding, I don't explode and loose my temper like I used to, I have met Fawn and I am on this WONDERFUL journey, I had not yet joined Mosaic and I have lost 25.5 pounds. I am more self confident, I am more willing to step out of my comfort zone, life is GREAT!

Now, let us let ourselves imagine for a second that I had found "him" a year ago before I had become the person I am today. I would not be good in any relationship. The person I am today is better then the person I was a year ago and the person I will be in a month or two will be better then the person I am right now. I just have to let this journey and God take its course and be okay with that. I need to focus on this stepping stone right now and LET GO OF THE REST.